09.08.2006 or "The Squatter"
Ah dont you just love comically misleading blog subtitles. It makes all of this seem so much more epic dont you think. If you cant tell from my tone Im feeling fine today and seem to have miraculously returned from deaths door. Today was a day like any other bookended by some food and a quick game of Taiko.
Now im home, Blog in one eye, TV in the other. Its some kind of cop drama, of course I have no idea what they are saying. All I can figure out is that they really want it to look like Infernal Affairs but since its a daily "Neighbours" syle show, the obvious restrictions on the budget are always amusing. Yesterday they tried to stage a massive fight scene around one coffee table. They were going at it crouching tiger style but all shot on what looked to be one DV camera. See its the little differences, image Carl Kenedy doing the one inch punch on Harold. See its always the same two groups going after each other every week, some gangster and some police agents. You would think they had more than one set of criminals to attend to. Like I say, I have to interpret the pictures rather than the dialogue so Im sure there is more to it than Im giving credit for. I know, when I get time, Ill rip it, subtitle it and post it on the website.
So I needed to use the toilet today in the department store. I was on the 15th floor having my tea and I decided to make use of the facilities. The toilet looked great, more like a work of art than a bathroom, Im talking chrone, cobbled stone sinks, big high taps, glowing glass pannels lining the walks, plants.... the works. My concentration at that point however was dealing with an imminant bowel movement. It was at this point I encountered an old enemy, one which strikes fear into the hearts of any foreign visitor to Asia. The Squatter. Now I have always associated the squatter with maybe the less lavish bathrooms, where space and budget was an issue. At least that was usually the case in Japan. But not here, not in flushingham palace, where dreams are born and released into the ocean through pipes of hope. Now at this point I should probably make it clear Im talking about a type of toilet. Its basically a porcelain trough in the centre of a cubicle. Now I will breifly outline some of the problems I have with the squatter without going into too great a detail.
The first is evident in its name. You need to squat to use it, but the hole is literally ground level. Just try to imagine using the toilet, at ground level with no support for the rest of your body and a pair of jeans on, whilst simultaniously trying to keep balance and relax enough to get the job done. Now imagine trying all that whilst people repeatedly try to open the cubicle door to see if its free. Now imagine that the moment you realise there is no level of separation between you and what you have just squeezed out. Thats right readers, when you get up to wipe, you have to deal with the fact that until you flush the contraption, you have pretty much taken a dump on the floor. And if you are like me someone who likes to wipe pretty thoroughly, you are going to be staring at your matter on it's little white display shelf for some time.
Now I write this whilst chuckling to myself about the complete obserdity of it. When you do flush, the poop just gets unceremoniously blasted backwards, where it slams into the wall and eventually makes contact with the water that takes it away. The whole sequence of events just makes you feel like you will never want to use the bathroom again. But maybe thats it, maybe they just want to discourage people from using them because they are so damn awkward and disgusting. But if that were the case then the normal urinals, which they have everywhere would be all they need right. Its like saying ok, you can wee here, but first you have to wee into a cup, look at it, wash your hands with it and then we will take it off you, its that disgusting.
See, when there is nothing real to talk about each day, I will just make everyone too sick to care.
Now im home, Blog in one eye, TV in the other. Its some kind of cop drama, of course I have no idea what they are saying. All I can figure out is that they really want it to look like Infernal Affairs but since its a daily "Neighbours" syle show, the obvious restrictions on the budget are always amusing. Yesterday they tried to stage a massive fight scene around one coffee table. They were going at it crouching tiger style but all shot on what looked to be one DV camera. See its the little differences, image Carl Kenedy doing the one inch punch on Harold. See its always the same two groups going after each other every week, some gangster and some police agents. You would think they had more than one set of criminals to attend to. Like I say, I have to interpret the pictures rather than the dialogue so Im sure there is more to it than Im giving credit for. I know, when I get time, Ill rip it, subtitle it and post it on the website.
So I needed to use the toilet today in the department store. I was on the 15th floor having my tea and I decided to make use of the facilities. The toilet looked great, more like a work of art than a bathroom, Im talking chrone, cobbled stone sinks, big high taps, glowing glass pannels lining the walks, plants.... the works. My concentration at that point however was dealing with an imminant bowel movement. It was at this point I encountered an old enemy, one which strikes fear into the hearts of any foreign visitor to Asia. The Squatter. Now I have always associated the squatter with maybe the less lavish bathrooms, where space and budget was an issue. At least that was usually the case in Japan. But not here, not in flushingham palace, where dreams are born and released into the ocean through pipes of hope. Now at this point I should probably make it clear Im talking about a type of toilet. Its basically a porcelain trough in the centre of a cubicle. Now I will breifly outline some of the problems I have with the squatter without going into too great a detail.
The first is evident in its name. You need to squat to use it, but the hole is literally ground level. Just try to imagine using the toilet, at ground level with no support for the rest of your body and a pair of jeans on, whilst simultaniously trying to keep balance and relax enough to get the job done. Now imagine trying all that whilst people repeatedly try to open the cubicle door to see if its free. Now imagine that the moment you realise there is no level of separation between you and what you have just squeezed out. Thats right readers, when you get up to wipe, you have to deal with the fact that until you flush the contraption, you have pretty much taken a dump on the floor. And if you are like me someone who likes to wipe pretty thoroughly, you are going to be staring at your matter on it's little white display shelf for some time.
Now I write this whilst chuckling to myself about the complete obserdity of it. When you do flush, the poop just gets unceremoniously blasted backwards, where it slams into the wall and eventually makes contact with the water that takes it away. The whole sequence of events just makes you feel like you will never want to use the bathroom again. But maybe thats it, maybe they just want to discourage people from using them because they are so damn awkward and disgusting. But if that were the case then the normal urinals, which they have everywhere would be all they need right. Its like saying ok, you can wee here, but first you have to wee into a cup, look at it, wash your hands with it and then we will take it off you, its that disgusting.
See, when there is nothing real to talk about each day, I will just make everyone too sick to care.
posted by Aaron | 6:29 AM
3 Comments:
Aaron!!! As if it wasn't enough that the thought of Karl Kennedy's fist disappearing into Harold's blubber had made me choke on my bean soup...you had to strike the final blow with the most detailed account of taking a dump I've ever heard!! When I read it I laughed so much I managed to get beans all over my keyboard! I'm still laughing now at the image of you squatting down, losing all hope of dignity in that toilet! That rivals Dave in the 'obsessed by bowels' stakes! Man I'm nearly crying at work...this is the funniest thing I've ever read!
Dude! (thats all i'm going to say but try to hear the tone in which I'm staying it....full of pride)
My hat it truely off to you
Dave
ah the 'shitter', what a savage beast it is, it truely is the Everest of the toilet world
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